Day 1: Student brings in iSafe backpack

Day 2: After relentless bullying of the student for wearing a rape-alarm backpack, other parents see the need.

Day 3: School District issues notice to parents that all such backpacks are banned, because children are pulling each other's alarm cords for fun and as a way of disrupting classes, like they were obviously going to, you stupid cunts. Get them a keychain alarm, or remind them they can just scream for help. Now they've all got cell phones, they're literally carrying GPS trackers with one-touch access to 911, and that's still not enough? Either buy them an electrified bubble to live in, or stop watching Lifetime movies and Fox News. Either way, problem solved.

What about the deaf rapists/bullies?

ACTUAL RE-CREATION OF EVENTS BASED ON A STORY INSPIRED BY A RUMOR THAT CAME FROM HEARSAY.

What if you pull the alarm and that just attracts MORE rapists?

Also, does the success of the iphone mean that every product on the market must brand itself with the letter i before some shitty generic description?

Bullies and kidnappers are easily frightened by loud noises and bright lights. If that doesn't work, try to make yourself look bigger than you actually are. Remember, they're more scared of you than you are of them.

What's with the bullshit half-measures? In this unpredictable and dangerous world, our children need a bag with flashing lights and alarms that is also made of Kevlar and resistant to small caliber firearms and knife attacks!

When the fuck did Robin Givens write a book?

Just give them tasers, at least it might work.

All it's missing are the turn signals.