I think it's eugenics...the idiot that rode into a tree got killed off.

Absalom was a son of King David's, whom David absolutely adored. He was also extraordinarily handsome and he had a gift for persuasion, so when he made a play for David's throne, he was able to pull it off, at least for a while. This scene took place shortly after David returned to beat Absalom's army, and Absalom was prevented from escaping by his beautiful, persuasive head.

We ALL want to see forty two children being mauled by bears.

- the death of Sisera
- Ananias and Saphira
- Elijah's she-bears

Wrapped up with Elijah and the 500 prophets of Baal, and maybe an extra-biblical Christmas special about St. Nicholas and the Council of Nicaea.

I can't remember for the life of me the name of the story, the books it's from, etc. What I do remember about it is being in like 5th grade at a private school's bible class and even back then wondering 'what the hell'?

The story I'm trying to recall was about some woman who, for reasons I can't remember, couldn't conceive with her husband, and decided to take matters into her own hands. She went down to the whore house she knew either her father or her husband's father liked to go to, and asked for her father(in law?)'s seal before she'd fuck him. She managed to get herself knocked up, and her a brief moment, her family was enraged, until she revealed the seal of the man she got herself knocked up by, and everything was cool after that.

Any idea where in the bible the story I'm referring to is? I know it's not violence, but I sincerely believe it'd make a perfect cartoon.

That's the story of Judah and Tamar, from Genesis 38. Incidentally that also contains the verse about why god hates masturbating.