You can be his Commissioner Boredon, or maybe his J Jonah Lameson.

I was going to make some sidekick name dick jokes, but they all already have cock names: Jimmy Olsen, Dick Grayson, Richard Jones, Wong.

Richard Ryder. Peter Porker. There are a lot of these.

To be fair, Seattle, like most things, had this before Portland did. And a lot of them too!

I honestly hope this guy's OK. Beaverton used to be the nice suburby part of the Portland Metro area because nobody wanted to live in the city where it was dangerous, and now that everybody lives in the city where it's relatively safe, crime over there has gone up exponentially.

I hope so too. I get the strong vibe that he'll stumble upon a Mexican couple arguing, insert himself into the situation, and end up stabbed.

He needs to look back East to see what Curtis Sliwa did with his Guardian Angels. That really worked, and as far as I know they never had the legal woes that everyone is in such a panic about. Multiple people, no weapons for starters. When women are screaming at you it's a sign, dude. It's a sign.

Glad we cleared up the nationality of that arguing couple.

Did you have a question for me? Oh I see, you think that masked crusader's me right *blush*.. no I'm just your every day bouncer, bouncing for the good of humanity, bouncity bouncity bounce..

I should have known, this guy's not even an Ewok.