"skipper in the speedboat, put away the jager and hookers"

And then everything went red... THE COLOR OF GUILT!

These 5 stars go to the man they stopped searching for after this incident.

"Mrs. Simpson,
While we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down"

Keep going, I'll use the PA to activate noclip

This wasn't the Coast Guard that caused the accident, it was the Coast Guard Auxiliary - a civilian volunteer group that helps the Coast Guard with shit like search and rescue. It's pretty much the Boy Scouts for boaters.

It looks as if the Auxiliary guys were asked to keep people out of the search zone and probably got really excited that the news was paying attention to them - so they wanted to do a REAL GOOD JOB. The correct thing to do with that speeding asshole would have been to slow down once it was obvious you were on a collision course (and it was rather obvious).

"The first time I knew a boat was there was when they hit my back end" ... Way to go, skipper. Nothing says "responsible boater" like cruising at full throttle and not having a complete grasp of the other boats in the area. Too bad the innocent passenger drowned, and not the guy responsible. Also, let's get a Breathalyzer reading from that dickwad.