The answer to your first question seems to always be "They are very very fat." Still, yeah, wtf. My question would be, hey, since you had no clue you were knocked up, be honest: How much did you drink? How fucked up is this kid you shit into the toilet at Alcupulco's gonna be?
My wife had a call with a 300 lb, 5 foot nothing lady who had "abdominal" pains. She asked the whole litany of "Are you pregnant?" questions with a no to each one. Two minutes after dropping her at the ER, she delivered.
The punch line? The lady accused the doc of putting the baby between her legs and flatly denied it was hers.