"Um, yea, hi, boss? There's a brown man over there buying a gallon carton of hydrogen peroxide. I know that's the only size we sell, but I thought I should call it in."

Also the 'look for falling freedoms' tag is priceless, nice work.

joey, i'm not angry anymore.

Yeah, we really have a lot of room to talk about freedom to China & Russia...

Makes sense. Al-qaeda likes to hang out in Wal-Mart parking lots.

When HAVEN'T you seen someone suspicious in a Wal-Mart?

I wish the government would stop taking its notes from sci fi novels that feature a cartoon-like police state as a backdrop.

Yeah but motherfuck a K-Mart. Only one chain of stores get a promotional video of a team-up with the secretary of defense to be observant.

The eagle on the flag behind her looks pissed to be there.

TRUE STORY

One time, I was at Wal-Mart at like 3 am (the only time to go) and suddenly a whole squad of police SWAT guys come STORMING in, riot shields and all, and proceeded to do bomb clearing in the middle of the store. I, being the lackadaisical semi-suicidal sort that I am, proceeded to carry on with my shopping, because I assumed that if it WAS a real bomb clear, there probably would have been some sort of announcement over the intercom.

La la la, doo dee doo doo doo, I pay for my shit and leave and don't think any more of it.

Sure enough, front page of the local newspaper the next day was "BOMB SCARE AT LOCAL WAL-MART", and apparently it was an actual bomb scare and nobody bothered to actually act as if it was. The police didn't even bother to tell me that I was in the middle of a suspected bomb impact zone.

OH, so THAT'S how you pronounce your name. I've been calling you Janet Neapolitan all this time.

These Onion bits are getting lazier and lazier