I'm waiting for Bible slash-fic. Jesus and John the Baptist on the shore of the river, gently spooning...

John turns to Jesus and says "Let's go all the way" and they begin to fornicate. It starts to get hot and heavy with tons of sucking sounds and moaning. The soft, flesh-against-flesh slapping sound can be heard from the reeds to the left of them, where Thomas the Train Engine learns of Jesus' ultimate betrayal. "He said I was the one" Thomas wimpered to himself, his face welling up with sadness and rejection. And Thomas wept. He wept and ran away. Jesus and John were still all over each other. Their hot, sweaty, hairy bodies attempting to become one being. John was about to reach his climax when he heard something from the bushes. He feared it was Peter or Paul. "Peter! Paul! Come out from the bushes at once" shouted Jesus as he began to put on his robe, leaving a very angry John at his feet. Jesus began to inspect the reeds, furious at the thought that his disciples could be such cock-blocks. He fumbled around and grabbed at something. Pulling away from the plants, Jesus was holding the head of Simon. He shrieked in horror. John began to puke. Then Jesus began to puke. Then out came Cropsy, strutting towards them with a pair of garden sheers.

I can't masturbate to this unless it has ponies in it.

I don't write strictly fanservice crap, poorwill.